I think when we visit the house I’ll turn the water off at the mains and then run the tank dry. I wish I could empty the central heating system as well, but a check on the web suggests that is more complicated and probably not something I can do quickly.

Should reduce the number of leaks we could get, and at least if we do get a leak, it’ll only have a finite amount of water to dump into the house, after which it should run dry.

I wish I’d thought of this two months ago – but two months ago I wasn’t thinking about anything.

Well, either today or tomorrow I’m going to have the face reality. I do own a house. It is mine. I do need to take care of it.

It’s probably already got frozen pipes. I just hope they haven’t burst, don’t burst, won’t burst. Are pipes covered by buildings insurance? What about the walls and the like? I’m not bothered about the decoration, we’re selling after all, but would be nice to know I can get the walls fixed.

I bet they don’t pay out if you’re not in residence [sigh]

That’s the biggest problem – worrying about everything in advance, fearing the worst, the stress building to the point where, some people, like me, react by hiding from it rather than facing it. I know other people face up to these things, get them sorted, soldier on, but some can’t. Some folk, like me, just end up putting these issues aside to sort out later, and then the worry and the stress mounts.

[deep sigh]

I usually land on my feet, life has been like that for a long time, I’m spoiled by it I guess, but this time, I just feel like I’m falling, and my feet are pointing skyward ……..

I’m increasingly pleased with Gemmell Mania and the interest being generated by it.

I must get some new quizzes done.

… and of course the really annoying thing is that even by just writing that last entry, I feel more positive. I wish I talked these things out with Grete more. I wish I talked more generally.

What I don’t understand is how I can have buried my head in the sand for so long over the house. What the hell was I thinking? Is it really any surprise that I’m feeling so stressed now over the whole thing?

I have this image of a snow plough, built with a large flat plate on the front, happily driving forwards through the snow, not caring that it’s all just building up in front of the plough and not actually being moved aside. Eventually, it’s going to be an issue.

We’re struggling with money, we’re both suffering one form of depression or another, we just need to get it sorted.

I know I have to go to the house tomorrow, to collect the mail, but I also know that it’s going to lead to spending more money, where from? Where am I going to get that money? Why didn’t I sort this out earlier, when it might not have been so bad. I know that doesn’t help, what if’s don’t help especially when they are negative.

Just concentrate on moving forwards, sort out whatever bits can be sorted out, don’t worry about anything else because there’s nothing I can do other than try my best.

Easy to say, not easy to do.

I know I can do it, I used to do it all the time, just do what needed to be done, just get sorted what needed to be sorted. But I’ve always been lazy, letting other people sort stuff for me, houses at Uni and again afterwards. Even arranging my own mortgage was almost surreal.

Time to forget that, time to just sort things out. Whatever it takes.

aaaaaaaaaaaaar rggggggggggghhhhhh rrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa rrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Today I made my own peas pudding for the first ever time. Not quite as nice as my mum’s, well, let’s be honest, no where near as nice, but still edible and not bad for a first go.

It’s my second go at making the soup she makes as well, and this one looks much nicer than the last – next time should be even better.

Vvvvvvvvwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooom

Ordered the cable modem this afternoon. I just hope NTL manage to get it installed correctly on the first visit.

David Gemmell asked me once if I wrote stuff, or had an inclination to do so.

I stammered some half-hearted reply about waiting for inspiration. There were a million better answers, but that one was probably pretty close to the truth.

I do write. I have to write stuff for work which requires me to set the scene, explain the background, discuss the arguments, provide some solutions and highlight the issues. I have to take non-believers and make them believe, and then part with their hard earned cash.

It’s not fiction, but sometimes you have to be pretty bloody creative.

I think I am creative. But I’m also lazy.

The combination isn’t always good. It can in fact lead to depression and serious frustration. A build up of creative energy and ideas, but a lack of will to carry them through to anything.

Initially, I didn’t realise it was a problem, but then, I was doing creative things all the time, and so it wasn’t as huge an issue as it can be these days. Now however, I find outlets, and that reduces the frustration I feel.

I still don’t think I’ve got the inspiration for a book yet though – but I do write stories.

I roleplay, as often as possible, although not often enough these days, and it’s a hugely creative activity. I run around 30-40% of the sessions we have, and it demands a level of fast-reacting-creativity that scares me if I think about it too hard.

Oh there’s a planning stage, and a writing stage and all the creativity that brings, working out the general lay of the adventure or mission, working out who the major players are, their goals and motives, and what plot threads you might throw at the players.

But then, those players pick those threads up, almost at random, certainly not for any good reason the person running the game understands, and they follow them, in weird and odd directions, and ask questions that you hadn’t even thought possible.

And the buzz I get from having to answer those questions, and work out what happens, and describe the newly changed world and rethink the motives of all the players is huge.

And also hugely draining. I know that after a game, I can be quite down, quite drained, and I usually think the players had a terrible time. Once energy levels recover it’s different, and I realise that we all did have fun, and that drives me onwards again to more creativity.

And so here I am, at 00:44, feeling creative, and without any immediate outlet other than GemmellFantasy, hence the last three postings.

For those of you who are waiting for the inspiration to write, be careful, if you have creative urges but don’t think you can do anything with them for lack of specific ideas, I advise you let go, and just dump words on the page. I don’t, and it drives me nuts. For those who get all creative and don’t know what to do, be careful, it can make you feel oddly dissatisfied with the world, and it wasn’t obvious to me initially what he problem was.

Roleplaying might be an answer if you can find some folk, or just doodling, writing long e-mails, jotting down the opening chapter to the next Jordanesque epic, or writing a letter to a friend you haven’t spoken to in years.

But don’t, whatever you do, ‘wait for the right moment’, it never arrives.

Seize the now.