How Am I?

If you were to ask me today, “How are you?”, I’d probably say, “Oh, I’m fine.”

But I’d be wrong. I’m not fine. I’m angry.

I’m angry, I think, because the team I work in at the moment is being re-organised. It’s the most enjoyable team I’ve yet had the pleasure of working with. We work well, we get on well, I enjoy being with the people in question, I like my line manager, her style suits me. All of these things make it easy to work hard.

However, since there’s a re-organisation roughly every 12 months in the place I work, we’re having another one. All good reasons, integration, single team, no barriers, blah blah blah, but it still makes me angry.

Am I just being petulant because I don’t want to change? Possibly. But there are reasons why I hate changing like this. I’ll have to get used to another style of line management, and it’s hit and miss whether that line manager will be able to cope with my style or whether I’ll be able to cope with theirs. And if either of us can’t, there’ll be compromise, and compromise is always painful, whatever anyone says. The dynamics of my working day will change, the work that I have the ‘opportunity’ of doing will change. I’m tired of it. Sick and tired.

We have a performance management system at the place where I work. In the four years I’ve been there, I’ve only ever had the same line manager for the entire period, once. This last year. I’ve only ever exceeded my contract once. This last year. I consider that interesting anecdotal evidence. Others may just think it means I didn’t work hard enough for the first three years. Your mileage may vary.

“Things won’t change immediately” we are told, “… for the time being everything will be the same as it is now”, but surely if we are re-organising, we’re doing it for a reason, and if that reason is to be realised then things will change, everything will not be the same as it is now, and so short term platitudes do little to amuse me. In the long term, my job will once again change. Some people like that, but I want what I do to be consistent. I want what I deal with to vary. Not what I deal with to be consistent and what I do to vary, that’s exactly the wrong way around, IMO.

I’m not stupid (no really), I understand the need for change. I understand that people go through denial, fear, anger, bargaining, depression, exploration and then acceptance. I did denial in under a second – hell this place changes so often there’s no doubt this is true. Fear? Not sure I did fear. Other than my one standard Wayne’s World quote, “We fear change”, fear didn’t really show up. And so here I am in Anger. What bugs me is the constant change.

Of course, what bugs me more, is what I believe to be the reason for this change. Which I’d better not voice, not even here on my own little private bit of the web. Big Companies have Eyes and Ears. I just think that the reason for the change to be the shape it is, stinks. It’s political rather than social or technical, and it’s a concession on behalf of people who feel they aught to give ground even though they didn’t need to. And we weren’t consulted.

So I should imagine that later on I’ll do bargaining. Although I’m not sure what about. Perhaps that won’t last long either. Not sure how long the anger will last though. Possibly quite some time. Does anyone know if you can go through some of those stages in parallel?

Perhaps I’m going through depression and the rest of them alongside anger? Who knows. I’m already suffering from depression on and off, so I’m not sure I’d notice being depressed about this change as well.

Resigned Acceptance is a state I think I probably entered quite early, just the Anger has hung around. Sorry this is so rambling, it’s a bit of a catharsis.

Only two days left before the LRP event kicks off, and while I was hoping to have a nice not-thinking-about-work time, I’m now going to be wondering about teams and working well together and what it’s going to be like when I get back. Ho hum. I think sometimes management forget that when we change line managers, everything is different instantly. Everything from how you claim overtime, to how you request holidays, to how you report on your work, everything changes.

As someone famous once probably paraphrased, the only two constants in life are the Inland Revenue and the Inevitability of Death. Everything else changes. But I don’t have to like it.

Plenty o’ stuff

It’s been a busy month. I’ve been working a hell of a lot, due to major upgrades and product roll outs. House sale is going forwards, at least, we’ve not heard back from the solicitors which I’m taking as a good sign. The first Omega event of this year is over the coming Easter weekend. Generally a whole bunch of stuff going on.

And I’m on holiday from Tuesday for nearly two weeks 🙂

Just waiting for news

This is the hard bit. Just waiting to hear how things are going with the house. No news so far after sending the forms in, which I’m taking as good news.


The paperwork for the house has arrived! I know, I know, I can’t believe it either. But here it is, to be filled in, and sent off, so the process can keep on going.

And, it looks like we’re going to come out in the black!

i think

we may have sold our house.

I don’t understand much of the house selling process, but the guy at the estate agent has said that our solicitors have been instructed to deal with the sale, so while the client can still pull out, it would seem he doesn’t intent to.

we feel weird

Ok, cross your fingers

Well, well, well. We are in a position where-by we may be selling our house. Offers have been sent and received, and the process is moving onwards, and the person seems interested. Phone message today said that the soliciters have been notified, and if we do close, it will be complete within three to four weeks. So, cross your fingers, non optional.

Eh? What do you mean it’s 2003

So where the hell have the last few months one? One minute it’s Christmas, and then next minute it’s March and I’m nearly 32. World gone crazy, that’s what I think – someone’s messing with time. Still playing EverQuest too much, outsourcing at work is complete, now we’re being ‘voluntarily harmonised’ onto our new employers terms and conditions, not roleplaying as much because it seem complex to get together with the other players, it’s probably a phase. Trying hard to get back on top of e-mail and website updates. Must try harder.