aaaaaaaaaaaaar rggggggggggghhhhhh rrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa rrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Today I made my own peas pudding for the first ever time. Not quite as nice as my mum’s, well, let’s be honest, no where near as nice, but still edible and not bad for a first go.

It’s my second go at making the soup she makes as well, and this one looks much nicer than the last – next time should be even better.

Vvvvvvvvwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooooooooom

Ordered the cable modem this afternoon. I just hope NTL manage to get it installed correctly on the first visit.

David Gemmell asked me once if I wrote stuff, or had an inclination to do so.

I stammered some half-hearted reply about waiting for inspiration. There were a million better answers, but that one was probably pretty close to the truth.

I do write. I have to write stuff for work which requires me to set the scene, explain the background, discuss the arguments, provide some solutions and highlight the issues. I have to take non-believers and make them believe, and then part with their hard earned cash.

It’s not fiction, but sometimes you have to be pretty bloody creative.

I think I am creative. But I’m also lazy.

The combination isn’t always good. It can in fact lead to depression and serious frustration. A build up of creative energy and ideas, but a lack of will to carry them through to anything.

Initially, I didn’t realise it was a problem, but then, I was doing creative things all the time, and so it wasn’t as huge an issue as it can be these days. Now however, I find outlets, and that reduces the frustration I feel.

I still don’t think I’ve got the inspiration for a book yet though – but I do write stories.

I roleplay, as often as possible, although not often enough these days, and it’s a hugely creative activity. I run around 30-40% of the sessions we have, and it demands a level of fast-reacting-creativity that scares me if I think about it too hard.

Oh there’s a planning stage, and a writing stage and all the creativity that brings, working out the general lay of the adventure or mission, working out who the major players are, their goals and motives, and what plot threads you might throw at the players.

But then, those players pick those threads up, almost at random, certainly not for any good reason the person running the game understands, and they follow them, in weird and odd directions, and ask questions that you hadn’t even thought possible.

And the buzz I get from having to answer those questions, and work out what happens, and describe the newly changed world and rethink the motives of all the players is huge.

And also hugely draining. I know that after a game, I can be quite down, quite drained, and I usually think the players had a terrible time. Once energy levels recover it’s different, and I realise that we all did have fun, and that drives me onwards again to more creativity.

And so here I am, at 00:44, feeling creative, and without any immediate outlet other than GemmellFantasy, hence the last three postings.

For those of you who are waiting for the inspiration to write, be careful, if you have creative urges but don’t think you can do anything with them for lack of specific ideas, I advise you let go, and just dump words on the page. I don’t, and it drives me nuts. For those who get all creative and don’t know what to do, be careful, it can make you feel oddly dissatisfied with the world, and it wasn’t obvious to me initially what he problem was.

Roleplaying might be an answer if you can find some folk, or just doodling, writing long e-mails, jotting down the opening chapter to the next Jordanesque epic, or writing a letter to a friend you haven’t spoken to in years.

But don’t, whatever you do, ‘wait for the right moment’, it never arrives.

Seize the now.

So, here I am, and it’s late’ish [originally written as e-mail, 3/11/2000]

And I’m still on a slight high after being at the cinema (another post to follow this one/precedes this one about that), and thought I’d ramble in the direction of the list for a while about a few things.

Why do authors publish their books?

I mean, I think I know why they write them. Creative urge, desire to express themselves, because they enjoy writing or can’t help but do it.

But why do they publish them? What is it that makes an author put their heart’s work out into the book store, in front of a hundred million potential critics?

I suppose it’s the same for any ‘creative’ activity, such as painting, music, etc.

I guess with ‘performing’ arts, they are only going to work if you have to perform for some people. However, with writing, the joy and the fun is in the writing? Why then do authors publish their work?

Non-fiction I can understand – to explain, to educate, to inform, to expand understanding and spread knowledge, to help.

And sure, fiction authors probably hope to some extent that their work might do that, but there must be more to it? It earns money, which is a good reason, and if you’re good at something and you enjoy it and it makes money, then hell, you should be doing it, right now. But is that why all authors start writing, start publishing? What about authors who can’t afford to live of their income from the writing, but they still do it?

Is it a subconscious or conscious desire for acceptance?

Is it to entertain? In the hope that their work brings others enjoyment? Isn’t that a bit vain? Is vanity an essential part of being an author?

When a musician performs live, they get a buzz, a response from the crowd, and I can see how that might be almost addictive. But when do authors get that? When they meet the fans at book signings? Perhaps, but it’s not on the same scale is it?

And they don’t know it’s going to happen, they have to publish the book first and then see if it happens?

Are they goaded into it by friends and family? “Go on, send it in, it’s good, really.”

I know it’s all of these things really, we’re to complex to do things for a single reason, but I wonder, about the authors I read, which of the reasons were at the front of their minds when they published their first book, and which were there when they published their latest one.

I’m quite proud of Gemmell Mania. It seems to be attracting a steady stream of visitors, even if it’s not thousands a day, and the comments in the guestbook are quite favourable.

It certainly feels like I’ve achieved something with the site.

Gemmell Mania is over 10,000 hits now!

I’ve changed the author recommendations bit to use PHP3 and mySQL, which is much cooler. I need to change the reviews to do the same, but I’m not sure how far to go.

Life is generally moving onwards. Still need to find a buyer for the house, if you are thinking of moving to Stockon on Tees, let me know.

Managed to put some more time in and get the Gemmell Mania website updated. A whole bunch of reviews, some recommendations, book release dates, and an HTML version of the character anthology put together by the excellent folk on the GemmellFantasy mailing list.

I still feel like re-organising this site, moving the miniatures off onto their own bit, making it easier to browse the images, but I’m not certain – I quite like the layout as it is.

Another day another dollar.

Didn’t make it to work today. Spent over an hour in the car just getting to the edge of where we live (i.e. one mile) with another 6 miles ahead of us. Grete had to go to Birmingham, so we turned around, I stayed at home, and she headed off.

Dunno why I’m so down all the time at the moment, but I’m not being very stable at work either, which I really do need to fix.